brandi carlile

on repeat this week. 

like maybe you are magic

leaving is not enough; you must
stay gone. train your heart
like a dog. change the locks
even on the house he’s never
visited. you lucky, lucky girl.
you have an apartment
just your size. a bathtub
full of tea. a heart the size
of Arizona, but not nearly
so arid. don’t wish away
your cracked past, your
crooked toes, your problems
are papier mache puppets
you made or bought because the vendor
at the market was so compelling you just
had to have them. you had to have him.
and you did. and now you pull down
the bridge between your houses,
you make him call before
he visits, you take a lover
for granted, you take
a lover who looks at you
like maybe you are magic. make
the first bottle you consume
in this place a relic. place it
on whatever altar you fashion
with a knife and five cranberries.
don’t lose too much weight.
stupid girls are always trying
to disappear as revenge. and you
are not stupid. you loved a man
with more hands than a parade
of beggars, and here you stand. heart
like a four-poster bed. heart like a canvas.
heart leaking something so strong
they can smell it in the street.

- Frida

mary lambert - body love

as a new semester approaches and the uncertainty of a new relationship looms over my head, I found this video to be calming for my insecurity. 

blessing.

seemed very relevant today.

moving home for the summer.

A. before I even begin to get into my own life, please go read these two articles that love for completely separate but equally great reasons:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/05/8-secrets-from-8-curvy-women-who-love-their-bodies/?c=upworthy
http://www.kendieveryday.com/2013/05/life-lately.html (I loved Kendi before this post, but seriously am so so so impressed with after this post. preaching the words of my heart)

B. I'm moving home to Iowa for the summer.

I feel like I've spent the last 3 months trying to get myself psyched up to move to Georgia and work for the summer...and them go to South Carolina.. and then Chicago.. and then to Iowa for like a week.. and then move to Boston. Thoughts of how I needed  money, and how it'll be such a wild and fun experience filled with new people rattled through my brain but always with the echo of how much I just want to go home and ride a bike.

and then my grandma on my mom's side had a heart attack and her health is starting to slip fast. after losing my grandma on my dad's side in February, I'm not willing to give up what could be my last couple of months with her. plus, I want to learn how to can, bake kolaches, and just overall get wisdom from her.

my car also got broken into last week, and my laptop got stolen. so beyond the big feeling of violation that comes with getting stuff stolen, whoever stole also had access to some really personal writing, not to mention all my photos and my personal statement and resume for grad school. I also lost a fair amount of my papers from college and all my music.

so all in all, it's been a rough couple of weeks, and it's been a stressful year. so I'm heading home for 3 whole months. the longest I've been home since I left for college 4 years ago has been 3 weeks so I'm sure this will be quite the transition. I think it's hard not to let feelings of failure and self-conscious not enter my mind when I think about moving home, but I'm realizing this is the best choice for me right now and that is what matters.

despite the awkwardness that comes with moving home, I'm excited. I'm also pretty sure I'll be thoroughly bored within a week so I'm making a list of things I'd like to do:

-practice/improve my french
-sew a skirt
-read a majority of the books on this list:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/doree/books-you-need-to-read-in-your-20s
-go on bike rides
-practice yoga (mind you, I'll have to drive 30 miles to the closest yoga studio but that's Iowa for ya)
-plant a garden and actually learn how to take care of it
-learn how to can
-improve my baking/cooking skills/overall housewife skills (not that I'm planning to be a housewife but totally useful)
-hang out on the back patio
-go to a ton of thrift stores
-stare at the stars
-attempt to not multitask
-relax

re-framing

so last week, I got up the courage to try on some of the dresses that have been hanging in my closet since last spring/summer.

why was I nervous?

because I had this idea firmly planted in my head that none of these dresses fit anymore and if I even attempted to try them on, I would end up feeling like junk wishing I was thinner etc, etc. so the dresses stayed in the back of my closet for months taunting me because even though I was avoiding trying them on so I didn't feel like junk, the whole act of avoiding trying them on also felt like junk. interesting.

so on thursday I decided to try on the dress I wore for graduation last spring..... and realized it fit! . I tried on another dress, and this one fit also, and so on and so forth.

the difficult part in all of this was that even though they all fit, the dresses all fit a little different than I remembered. some were a bit snug, some were shorter than I thought, some were not flattering anymore.  I could also feel the negative self-talk on the tip of tongue and thoughts, and knew I needed to re-frame this situation.

has my body changed over the past year? yes.
did this make the dresses fit differently? yes.

but then I though back to my mental state when I had worn all those dresses last, and I realized it was not a great one. I remembered how critical I was of myself and how much self-hate ran through my mind on a daily basis. I was miserable and incredibly self-conscious all the times I had previously worn those dresses even when they supposedly fit better and I was thinner. instead of just focusing on how my body looked at that time, I needed to look and recognize what my mental state was at that time as well. that's the the shift happened and when all the negative self-talk that was rising up began to disappear.

this moment and this re-framing helped to show me that being thin does not equate to happiness. when I looked in the mirror last week, I felt more comfortable with what I saw than I have in years and that's worth so so so much more to me than an old dress fitting perfectly. I'd realized I'd rather have the dresses fit slightly different and be in the process toward self-love, than a tad skinnier and feeling a lot more miserable about myself. life is just easier that way.

and you know what? I wore one of the dresses today and have felt wonderful all day. 

the good stuff.