happy thoughts.

brave

loving this new sara bareilles song. I'm also loving this new yoga studio I tried yesterday. I've never done restorative yoga before, and let me just tell you restorative yoga and sundays were made for each other. PLUS, this place has hot yoga but hot as in 80 degrees... finally a hot yoga my ginger overheating self can handle. holla!

self-love manifesto + new blog direction

I've spent a lot of time not blogging the past couple months, and I've also spent a lot of time looking at the blogs of others and wondering why I couldn't be like them... and then it hit me. I'm not them. (of course!) but really, having a fashion blog or lifestyle blog just isn't true to me right at this moment. Rather, I need a space to share my journey to recovery from an eating disorder and to share my attempts at self-love. and also,  I want to have a safe place to put my fears and worries, along with my happy thoughts and achievements. I want this to be a space where women can foster meaningful relationships with other women where we can all work on improving body image and self-esteem as one.

most of all, I want this space to be true to me and where I at with life right at this very moment. thank you for bearing with me these past couple of months. you're all the best.

happy list.

I don't about y'all but I have been in such a funk lately, and I got this idea from Lauren over at From My Grey Desk to make a list of 8-10 things that are making me happy lately. I have been really missing chicago and all my friends there lately so it was nice to take a couple minutes to recognize all the great things that surround me in winston.... and to remember that I will be in Boston this time next week ;)

road to recovery.

11 years.
I have spent 11 years hating my body.

I remember meeting my step-sister when I was 11 and being concerned because I felt enormous next to year. I remember being concerned when we started going to school together that I would be known as the fat sister.

I remember when I was 14 being in the Walmart parking lot with my mother bawling my eyes out because I felt fat. and I had bad skin. but mostly, I felt fat and inadequate in comparison with everyone else, and in particular, my friends at high school. my mom, being the saint that she is, asked me what would help and we began to do personal training sessions with a pilates instructor together. while I did and still do love pilates I was still only 14... and I already felt the need to have a personal trainer. more importantly, I was already linking my self-worth to my weight.

Fast forward 8 years, and my feelings towards my body have not changed. in fact, things have gotten worse, and I have already suffered from full-blown anorexia when I was 16 that has transitioned into EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified).

I have an eating disorder.

It has taken me years to get the point of even recognizing and admitting that I have an eating disorder. in fact, I have already worked with a nutritionist and therapist before my current nutritionist and therapist without acknowledging this fact. when I went to see my current nutritionist (who is a rockstar!!) , this point hit home when she asked me if I had ever received in-patient treatment. she said so matter-of-fact, like it was a totally normal assumption. the thought that I ever could have been "bad" enough to need in-patient treatment had never crossed my mind. in fact, when I had discussed with my mom about two years ago about my eating disorder I remember both of us coming to the conclusion that I didn't have a eating disorder. but then I realized it was because I (and my mom) never considered myself to have an eating disorder. mostly because I don't fit the stereotypical images that come to mind when one pictures eating disorders. that and it's real scary to admit you have an ED.

even at my lowest weight, I was never skeletal thin. but I was eating less than 900 calories a day and working out 2x a day. but because I didn't fit the mold of looking anorexic, I was able slip by. now at the age of 21, I can finally say I have an eating disorder.

another thought that really hit home when I speaking with my current nutritionist was after I had told her my life story, she looks at me and says, "you've had a hard life.. but recovering from this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do."

she's right.

even now, the first two weeks after I saw her were pretty good for me in terms of eating/not being restrictive/not binging/over all getting more in touch with my body. and then this week came, and a funk fell over me. recovery is so scary. it's so scary that it makes me want to revert back to my ED. it's almost like I'm losing a part of myself. I've been so restrictive with food for the past 6 years that the idea of letting myself go and trusting my body literally scares the crap out of me.

and also the idea of not having weight loss as a goal is scary.
or not dieting.
or not running.
or giving myself days off from working out.
or giving myself permission to binge.
or to eat ice cream.
or to eat lunch when I know I'm going out to eat that night.
or loving my body as it is today.
or changing the way I talk to myself.
or not constantly doing a "body check" when I enter a room.
or not feeling guilt when I eat a "bad" food.
or feeling worthy of love.
or talking about and acknowledging my ED.

but I also know I have no other options at this point other than to recover.

but at the same time, we live in a society that makes it hard to recover in. things I think on an almost daily basis: can I have my facebook page up without constantly comparing myself to what others are posting? can I watch tv without feeling like shit? if I eat this bagel will my roommate judge me? what if I eat a bagel and an apple? can I got to this workout class without comparing my body and my ability to every single person in the room when the instructor keeps telling me to fight for slender thighs?
...what if I like my curvy thighs? what if I don't like high intensity workouts and just want to do yoga? is that a real "workout?"

I'm so over it. I refuse to live the rest of my valuable life hating my body. Time for some self-love instead.

also, this song is getting me through the week. seriously, girl is preaching the words of my heart.

ok, time for a real life update..

friends on st. paddys day!

so it's been months yeah? honestly, I've been overwhelmed with life, and blogging just seemed to add to that stress. did that stop from reading everyone and there mother's blog? heck no. I just didn't blog myself...mostly because I couldn't even organize my life into a blog post. things aren't necessarily slowing down (do they ever?) but I feel like I'm in a better place with everything.

So first big news first, I haven't shared a ton of the application process on here, but I applied to 5 graduate schools (UIC, UNC, Tulane, Boston, and John Hopkins) in January for Masters of Public Health, and have been anxiously waiting to hear if I was going to get in. key word in that sentence being anxious! I was so terrified that I wasn't going to get accepted anywhere and that I was too young/not smart enough/etc... not a fun way to live.

GOOD NEWS though. I actually got in almost everywhere, and the only school I  didn't officially get into was John Hopkins which is totally fair since they are the top school in public health currently.

AND I actually got a merit award (aka free monies to go to school!!!) from Boston University so I have decided to officially accept my offer from Boston University and will be moving to Boston in August or September. I'm planning to pursue an International Health concentration with an emphasis in Sex, Sexuality, Gender, and Health (!!!!!!). I have a couple friends from studying aboard who live in or near Boston currently so I'm excited to actually know people where I'm moving for once. It was also awesome to get so many acceptances. It honestly made me feel so proud of myself, and of all the hard work I have put into my education and my career.

huge thanks to my roommate elizabeth for thinking to take a photo the day I got my acceptance!

my brother also got a job at a museum in Idaho and is currently driving out there! I'm so proud of him for getting his dream job and taking the risk of moving across the country to pursue it. my best friend Kat also accepted a teaching position with Teach for America in South Carolina and will be placed there for the next two years. So proud of her for getting an offer from such an competitive program! I'm literally surrounded by successful people. I feel like there's a lot big changes in store for everyone close to me, but they are all such great opportunities! plus, I'll just have to travel around and see everyone.

my friend tara come to visit! pure happiness for 5 days

pretty much sums up my year.

I've also decided to work at the summer camp in Georgia that my roommate Elizabeth. It's apparently 30 mins from the coast and a blast so I'm excited to have a change of pace. I still LOVE working at the Food Bank but honestly can feel myself getting a bit burnout. that's part of the reason way I'm so excited to go back to school and be around inspiring people. it's hard work listening and working with people who are in hard situations day in and day out, and sometimes I just need a day to rejuvenate, which is what I'm doing today.

speaking of burn out, the community life of the house also hasn't been the greatest nor the least stressful the past couple of months. we only have two months left, but I'd be lying if I said the last couple of months have been rainbows and sunshine. it's definitely been a learning experience and a worthwhile experience. after this year, I know I can do anything haha. and the break it's given me to focus on myself has been invaluable.

I've also decided to seek treatment for my eating disorder and to begin my recovery process. talking about this process with even those near and dear to me is scary and hard, but I feel its important to have support around me. also, I think it's important that we start to promote self-love and a building a healthy relationship with food as a society so I'm planning to be more honest and share about my experiences on here in hoping of helping others.

I'm going to miss this north carolina sunrises