road to recovery.

11 years.
I have spent 11 years hating my body.

I remember meeting my step-sister when I was 11 and being concerned because I felt enormous next to year. I remember being concerned when we started going to school together that I would be known as the fat sister.

I remember when I was 14 being in the Walmart parking lot with my mother bawling my eyes out because I felt fat. and I had bad skin. but mostly, I felt fat and inadequate in comparison with everyone else, and in particular, my friends at high school. my mom, being the saint that she is, asked me what would help and we began to do personal training sessions with a pilates instructor together. while I did and still do love pilates I was still only 14... and I already felt the need to have a personal trainer. more importantly, I was already linking my self-worth to my weight.

Fast forward 8 years, and my feelings towards my body have not changed. in fact, things have gotten worse, and I have already suffered from full-blown anorexia when I was 16 that has transitioned into EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified).

I have an eating disorder.

It has taken me years to get the point of even recognizing and admitting that I have an eating disorder. in fact, I have already worked with a nutritionist and therapist before my current nutritionist and therapist without acknowledging this fact. when I went to see my current nutritionist (who is a rockstar!!) , this point hit home when she asked me if I had ever received in-patient treatment. she said so matter-of-fact, like it was a totally normal assumption. the thought that I ever could have been "bad" enough to need in-patient treatment had never crossed my mind. in fact, when I had discussed with my mom about two years ago about my eating disorder I remember both of us coming to the conclusion that I didn't have a eating disorder. but then I realized it was because I (and my mom) never considered myself to have an eating disorder. mostly because I don't fit the stereotypical images that come to mind when one pictures eating disorders. that and it's real scary to admit you have an ED.

even at my lowest weight, I was never skeletal thin. but I was eating less than 900 calories a day and working out 2x a day. but because I didn't fit the mold of looking anorexic, I was able slip by. now at the age of 21, I can finally say I have an eating disorder.

another thought that really hit home when I speaking with my current nutritionist was after I had told her my life story, she looks at me and says, "you've had a hard life.. but recovering from this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do."

she's right.

even now, the first two weeks after I saw her were pretty good for me in terms of eating/not being restrictive/not binging/over all getting more in touch with my body. and then this week came, and a funk fell over me. recovery is so scary. it's so scary that it makes me want to revert back to my ED. it's almost like I'm losing a part of myself. I've been so restrictive with food for the past 6 years that the idea of letting myself go and trusting my body literally scares the crap out of me.

and also the idea of not having weight loss as a goal is scary.
or not dieting.
or not running.
or giving myself days off from working out.
or giving myself permission to binge.
or to eat ice cream.
or to eat lunch when I know I'm going out to eat that night.
or loving my body as it is today.
or changing the way I talk to myself.
or not constantly doing a "body check" when I enter a room.
or not feeling guilt when I eat a "bad" food.
or feeling worthy of love.
or talking about and acknowledging my ED.

but I also know I have no other options at this point other than to recover.

but at the same time, we live in a society that makes it hard to recover in. things I think on an almost daily basis: can I have my facebook page up without constantly comparing myself to what others are posting? can I watch tv without feeling like shit? if I eat this bagel will my roommate judge me? what if I eat a bagel and an apple? can I got to this workout class without comparing my body and my ability to every single person in the room when the instructor keeps telling me to fight for slender thighs?
...what if I like my curvy thighs? what if I don't like high intensity workouts and just want to do yoga? is that a real "workout?"

I'm so over it. I refuse to live the rest of my valuable life hating my body. Time for some self-love instead.

also, this song is getting me through the week. seriously, girl is preaching the words of my heart.