Words of Wisdom (plus an announcement!)

can't get classier than Princess Diana..

AND!

I decided to start making headbands as part of my mom's business/etsy shop

it's still quite a work in progress, but hopefully I'll some more made up soon!

here's my first attempt:

let me know your thoughts (:

New Years Eve + The Saddest Day of the Year.

new years eve with the girls was lovely.

I, of course, wore a shiny/sparkly/gold dress with heels to a trailer park party.

(it was a super nice trailer park, complete with security guards.)

but still, overdressed for sure.

story. of. my. life.

such a good night.

plus I got my swagger back! at least as much as a white girl like me can.

in other news, today is the saddest day of the year according to reports I've seen,

and I totally felt this.

I started my J-term class yesterday, and while it's not terrible, it's definitely not fun. 

I'm over talking about morality and how there isn't a meaning to life.

talk about depressing.

once I got home from work tonight, I fully intended to be a bum and to do absolutely nothing and just in general be lame.

but then I realized I needed to clean in anticipation for this girl's arrival tomorrow..

and if I didn't do any of that tonight, I would be setting my self up for a stressful day tomorrow.

so I got my butt moving.

and thanks to a free bulletin board from work, I was able get out of this crazy funk by making an inspiration board:

and I feel 10x better. 

all I needed was some creativity and some scissors.

So long 2011...

2011 has had some shining moments and some not so shining moments, 

but all in all, it's been great.

Top 5 moments:

1. FRANCE. seriously made my life. I cannot wait to go aboard again in May.

2. San Francisco with my momma!

3. Getting closer to my momma over the course of this year. I've definitely had some lows, but she was there for me every time, and has been truly amazing in helping me handle this heart deal.

4. Service trip to El Paso.

5. so many wonderful moments with my friends. they're amazing, hands down.

but now it's time for a new year! I love this time of the year. it feels magically and perfect for a fresh start. 2012 is gonna be a good year, my friends!

goals for 2012:

1. Get my heart fixed. so far, it's going like open-heart surgery so 2012 is gonna be a big year. but this also means I have an excuse to slow down/make friends with 80 yr old ladies in the cardiac dept/eat a bunch of ice cream (cause it's totally like getting your tonsils out right?!)

2. Get Healthy. More running, more fresh/natural food, more remembering those vitamins everyday/run a 5K.

3. Have a fresh start! I want to graduate and go some place completely new where I know no one and just work and have a fabulous time.

4. Have long hair. so superficial, but I want it. no. shame.

5. No regrets

In other news, the thrifting in my hometown is seriously good.

check these out!

both for the big expensive price of 2 bucks. sometimes I really love being home.

Words of Wisdom

And I ask you right here please to agree with me that a scar is never ugly. That is what the scar makers want us to think. But you and I, we must make an agreement to defy them. We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means I survived.

CHRIS CLEAVE

Issues of the heart.

once again, I have been super absent from the blogging world.

finals and the holidays got the best of me but at least I have good grades and wonderful presents!

  

I also completed all of my cardiac tests on one of my free days during finals week. 

probably one of the stupidest choices I've ever made.

going by yourself to a hospital is no fun, and especially not when everyone there keeps asking you why you're alone. 

but I did it, and then I went back to campus and took some more tests.

and between the stress of finals and rushing to pack and come home and then getting home and wanting to see everyone, I completely forgot about the tests and getting the results.

and then I suddenly remembered and started to freak out/stress about them.

and the fact that the hospital forgot to fax my results to my cardiologist was more frustrating.

and then they forgot to send them over again until it was two weeks after my tests and I still had no results. 

but I got results today..

and it's not terrible, but I do definitely have something wrong with my heart.

so far, what I've gotten told is that I have a small hole/channel between the chambers of my heart.

the cardiologist isn't sure how big it is or where exactly it is, but he said it's not horrible news so I'm choosing to believe him.

I have to do another test to figure all that out, and then go from there. 

based on my google findings so far (real legit I promise), they just repair the hole and everything will be fine. plus, they prescribed me meds to slow my heart down so I won't notice it when it trips and races, and will basically be more comfortably.  I thought this was really considerate of them.

and hopefully I'll get a wicked scar like 'arry Potter!

I told my mom I wanted a boob job to cover up the scar also. 

she didn't find that funny.

most of all, I'm just glad they found something, and I haven't been imagining all these things with my heart. but it's still kind of scary. 

I've been pretty naive all along and just assumed that it would all just end up that I've been too stressed and just needed to slow down.

so I'm still in shock.

not quite what I was expecting.

no apologies, no regrets.

I have not blogged in way too long, 

and I have a list of excuses a mile long, but honestly I just had nothing to say.

I've been in a funk lately, and it really hasn't gone away.

and I haven't been able to focus on much of anything,

which is a hot mess during finals.

but this morning, as I was about to get really frustrated with myself again about being in funk/stressed/notfocusing/notstudying,

I realized what I needed to do was write.

to acknowledge why I'm in funk and can't focus, and to then move on.

with no apologies, no regrets,

just acceptance.

I'm in a funk because I just want this semester to be over, and I still have one more final tomorrow. It's in my most difficult class, and I need to do well and all I want to do is say f*** it. who wants to learn about ancient egypt anyways? not me.

beyond school, I'm in a funk because I'm anxious about going home.

these by no means I'm not excited to see my momma and  my brother (who has his first interview for a real job! so proud!), and my friends, but I'm still anxious.

and I was trying to ignore the reasons why, but not doesn't really help at all.

so here's the reasons I'm anxious:

-my family now knows how much I ignore my grief, and they want to help me with this. but I'm still scared and I still want to run. it's SO much easier to run from this in Chicago where hardly anyone knows and I can pretend it all didn't happen. but that's not healthy and I know I have to face this, but it still feels like too much, even with the help and support of my family.

-I need to figure out what I'm doing next year/apply to places. this means I need to accept the fact that I'm leaving chicago and my comfort zone. I won't be close to family or friends, and I'll be independent. I know this is exactly what I need, and I know going to LA or San Fran is going to be the right choice but I still feel like I'm doing it completely alone and am heading in a completely different direction than everyone else. that scares me.

-I miss my ex. Being home makes it 10x worse/easier to make excuse of reasons to see him/contact him. He is my comfort zone, and by actually dealing with my grief and applying to post-grad options, I'm leaving that comfort zone completely behind.  I can't focus on his problems anymore, and I have to just face my own.  this is not quite something I've accepted yet. I still wish we could have ended it better/worked out/a billion other things, but we can't. I'm learning to become ok with this, but it's hard to accept that I can't fix this problem because I didn't cause it.  All I can do is move on, and go tackle my dreams.

so that's the plan.

accepting who I am, with no apologies, no regrets.

....and demolishing that ancient egypt test tomorrow, and then getting picked from the airport by best friend (too excited!)

The Girl Effect

I have been beyond MIA lately, so sorry!

finals/internship/end of the semester has completely taken over my life.

but in good news, I only have 3 papers and 3 tests left, and then on Dec. 19th, I'm free at last!

I don't think I've ever been so excited to be done with particular semester before.

in other news, my Women and Politics professor (who's my idol) class wrapped up the whole semester by showing us this video.

I thought it was really inspirational, and wanted to share it with you all, so enjoy!