My life is an Adele album.

ok so as I'm sure you all have noticed, I have been pretty MIA recently.

there's a bunch of reasons for this...tons of schoolwork, volunteer work, normal work.

I also decided to graduate next August, which is a year early, and feel really good about this decision.

I've been feeling frustrated with school and I really think a year off is exactly what I need right now.

my plan so far is to try and volunteer for a year either through Americorp or aboard somewhere.

super exciting/stressful at the same time.

......but to be honest, all of that isn't really why I haven't been blogging much.

the main reason is I got back together with my ex-boyfriend and I was focusing on that relationship and trying to make it a happy/healthy one. this meant a lot of driving and effort on my part since it was long-distance. I thought everything was going really well also. we were going on dates and going to church together (a big deal to me), and overall I was happy.

but if any of you are familiar with this relationship, you can probably guess how it ends. I'm not really one to share/flaut my life all over the internet but this is a big deal to me, and will probably be something I'll be dealing with for a bit. so the boy and I got back together officially (first time it's been officially, couple other times unofficially) and I thought everything was finally right. we both seemed to be at good places in our lives, and I thought we had a chance to get it right. so I invested myself. I put effort in.

but in the back of my mind, I knew that he could back out at any minute. it's happened many many many times before, and I end up feeling like complete crap. but this time seemed different. he seemed changed.

but last night he backed out again. 

.....after I told everyone close to me, and after I stood up for him and defended him to my upset friends and families.... after I listened to both of my best friends pretty much tell me that I was making the worst decision of my life....after I had finally decided that he seemed to really want to be with me and that I didn't need to question it anymore....after we had decided to be Don Draper and Joan Halloway from Mad Men. good thing I didn't buy those leopard print heels and a wiggle dress yet....

he just doesn't want it.

he's been acting this whole time.

and he didn't want it from the beginning. 

and I can't make him want it.

and now I have to walk away. even if I still care about him. even if I think he's just scared. even if I think there's something bigger going on as well. I hate walking away. I'm bad at cutting people out of my life. I've already lost too many to deal with, so how could I possibly loss one more?

and the worst part is I should have expected it. but I really like to believe people.

I am naive. and silly. and I care too much.

and it gets me hurt often.

but... I still wouldn't change it. I'd rather believe that people are inherently good than bad, and to trust a boy when he says he misses me and wants to take this risk with me. I really thought I'd get that crazy wonderful romance. what kind of life would it be if you didn't take risks? or believed everyone was out to get you? 

I'd rather be naive any day.

plus I have amazing friends, and my mom is awesome. I called her last night at 5am when all of this was happening and she drives the 2 and half hours to see me and is coming back to Chicago with me tonight. I seriously don't know what'd I do without her. my support system is so incredibly solid, and that my friends, is a wonderful feeling.

and my mom bought me a new purse and scarf, yaaaay sympathy gifts!

but life will get better. and I'll get A's on all my midterms this week, and it will be a good week.