I've officially been a part of The Abraham Project for three months as of yesterday. (yaaaaaay!!!)
yesterday also marked my first break-down cry-fest of year.
to be honest, right now I'm really frustrated. this week marked a year since I had last seen my ex, which is a HUGE deal in my life since I have known him since I was 3. it also showed me that I was strong enough to get out of an unhealthy relationship, and have the courage to walk away. but I when I realized it had been a year, I also realized I had no one to share that with in winston. through this program, I feel like I have a great support system at the church and with my roommates, but no one who I'm really close too. I'm not sure if it's because I still have trust issues. Also, both of my roommates are in great relationships, which is great for them but honestly just makes me feel more isolated.
but in the end, it's not a terrible place to be. I need to learn to trust people more, and to open up to them. and I realized an important thing last night...I'd rather be where I'm at right now in life and a little lonely, than where I was last year. that's a huge accomplishment.
I also found this gem on Kelsey Nicole's blog. It's written by Brenda Dell Casa.
"It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn’t know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now. You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren’t exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you. You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren’t so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can’t meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you’d just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out."
