No Shame November: Food.

ok this is an incredibly scary post for me to write, but here it is.

shame: I have had disordered eating.

This means I've struggled with all three biggies: anorexia/bulimia/binge eating,

all at different times and to varying degrees.

I didn't struggle with any of this until about 5 years ago.

Until then, I was really ok with my body/food/self-esteem for the most part.

This was prom was junior year, before any of the disordered eating happens.

I was happily dating my ex, and overall, pretty pleased about everything.

but then the realtionship started to have some problems,

college was coming, we were both going to europe separately that summer,

and he was going to a theater camp all summer about 3 hours away.

that summer was rough.

I begin to doubt myself,

and every time we fought,

I felt like it was my fault and that I wasn't good enough.

the crazy thing is I can still tell to this day the comment that he said that sparked my disordered eating. and by sparked, I by no means I'm saying he caused any of these.

we were talking about strippers (weird, I know),

and he said, "I think it's great that a women can have a good enough body to make money off it."

and some how, I took that comment as my body wasn't good enough.

I became obsessed with what I ate that summer right after I got back from Europe.

while, my ex was away at his theater camp,

I was at home restricting everything I ate,

and working out at least once a day.

and it worked. I lost 30 lbs in one summer.

and I didn't stop. I continued to obsess.

and our relationship didn't get any better.

I started working out twice a day,

and eating only twice a day, 

until eventually, I was 120 lbs.

fall of my senior year

I was unhealthy and I didn't want to admit it.

everyone around tried to bring it up, 

and honestly, it almost made me feel good when they noticed how much weight I had lost.

I remember getting called into the nurse's office and getting weighed because a teacher was concerned.

and I still didn't get it. I still thought I was fine, and that this restricting would make everything better.

Prom my senior year.

this continued throughout my senior year,

but I started to switch the restricting with bulimia and binging.

and yet I still ignored it.

and finally, the relationship crashed and burned for the first time.

and this is when I wish I would have stopped,

but I didn't.

it got worse.

and my freshman year of college, 

I ended up going in the opposite direction.

fall of my freshman year.

I felt ridiculous, and overall just upset with myself.

so I went back to restricting.

and my communication with my ex has a lot to do with this also.

anytime he's in the picture, I find it incredibly hard to eat normal.

and I end up restricting because I don't think I'm good enough.

this cycle of disordered eating continued until this past summer.

I had enough.

I was over it.

I'd rather love myself.

so I started therapy, and I started telling some of my friends so they knew.

I needed the support.

and I wasn't going to get it from my ex.

I also started seeing a nutritionist this fall, 

because I had no idea what is was like to eat healthy/normal.

I literally hadn't done it in 5 years.

and I got better.

and I'm by no means done, 

but I'm also a lot farther along than I was a year ago.

and that's ok with me.

I'm happy with my body more often than I'm upset with it,

and that's the a new thing for me. 

it's a good feeling to have no shame.

President's ball this fall