to my father

"Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door." - Stephen Colbert

today is the anniversary of my father's death.
after writing my personal statements for masters of public health, I realized there were many things left unsaid between my father and I.

to my father:

thank you pursuing my mother even after she moved half-way across the country, and convincing her to fall in love with you.
thank you for fostering my love of reading, and for chauffeuring curt and I across the state of Iowa to whatever libraires we didn't owe fines to at the time.
thank you for teaching me to save all my coins and to take to the bank to treat myself with money got low. this meant difference between smelly clothes and clean clothes in college.
thank you for eating ketchup sandwiches during the week so you would have enough money to take us kids out to eat on the weekend. 
thank you for consistently fighting for more visitation with us even when you were not mentally healthy enough to receive it.
thank you for believing in me and my dreams, even when I said I wasn't interested in the family farm.
thank you for loving us to the best of your ability.

most of all, thank you for trying to get better. I know I have spent much of my life so incredibly mad at you for not overcoming your alcoholism and for eventually dying of it, so much so that I have completely overlooked how hard you tried. 

thank you for attempting to become a better man for us. thank you for being my father.

love always.