love always

so many good things have been going on in my life.
but yet, I still feel like something is off.

and then it hit me.
i miss my oldest brother jeff.
and i miss my dad.

I have already addressed grief here and here.
I still feel really weird talking about it,
but it's such a big part of who I am.

and I know I'm still running from it.
even talking to my best friend tonight,
and hearing her say I barely talk about it,
and that she knows nothing about it...
really made realize how much I do avoid it.

graduation tickets also got me down.
loyola gives you four tickets total.
and my dad and brother won't be there.
that's rough.

also rough to realize that you'll most likely end up outliving your brother.
i really don't know how to describe it.

beyond the fact that I really miss them,
and just hope that I can live my life in a way that honors theirs.

because they were pretty great.
and right now, that's how I know how to cope with the loss.

jeff on his wedding day.

i was pretty good at ruining photos

love always brother.

jeff and baby me.

No Shame November: Grief.

Grief.

That single word holds most of my shame in this world.

I have no idea how to cope with my grief.

I have no idea how to be the girl that lost her brother and father.

so I don't.

I act like it's all fine, and that I'm a strong enough person to handle this.

I have some bad days, with lots of crying and talking to my momma,

but beyond that, I run from the grief.

I'm scared that if I actually face it, that I'll completely lose it.

that the grief will overwhelm me.

because honestly, it already kind of does.

they say losing a person will get better with time,

but I feel that's different with grief.

I may not cry everyday, but everyday it's there.

it's one of the few things that is absolutely constant in my life,

and I choose to ignore it.

why?

because I don't want to be the girl with issues.

I don't want to be the girl who fears of losing everyone.

I don't want people to view me different after I tell them.

I don't want to have trust issues.

I didn't want to lose my dad and my brother, 

but that's not a choice I got to make.

and I was really young when I lost my dad and my brother (11 and 13 years old)

both within 3 years.

and jeff died 3 days before my birthday,

and I still remember his last words to me-"I promise I'll be at your birthday, scrubbly."

honestly, it's hard to live with this.

and I was too young to fully cope with this.

I've been a therapy for around 6 months now. (another shame)

and you know what?

my therapist called me out on running away from my grief.

in those 6 months, I've only mentioned my dad or my brother in passing.

the two biggest, single, most painful events in my life, and I barely mention them.

instead, I'd rather sit there and talk about everyday things or my ex.

I'm also terribly at talking to my family about this,

because my momma and my brother are actually coping with their grief.

and I'm jealous. 

I just feel so awkward talking about it.

I feel shame over this.

I really wish I was able to talk about it, and able to think about all our memories,

but it's too hard.

because I'm so scared.

I don't think I can handle it.

I really think I might fall apart if I try.

sometimes, reality is just too harsh.

but reality is all you have.

so there comes a time to face it,

and folks, this is my time.

No more shame.

No more running.

My parents. See where I get my awkwardness from? Blaming them all the way.

My brother, and the greatest inspiration for my life.

Yeah, I look like a boy, but I still worship this picture. so much happiness.