Daddy Issues.

in honor of no shame november, I'm going to tackle of my shames I hardly ever talk about.
like hardly ever talk with my momma about

my dad was an alcoholic.

"was" because he died in a drunk driving accident.

he was the drunk driver.

right before I was born, my dad had two  head injuries.
one was through a motorcycle accidents (wear helmets folks!), and another was through a farming accident.
so naturally both of these resulted in his mood being altered, and this was something incredibly hard for him to cope with.
so he coped with alcohol.

my momma tried her best to let him through this, but everyone hits that point.
you can't help someone who doesn't want to get better.
so they divorced, and my brothers and I had weekly visitations with my dad.
for me, this wasn't incredibly unusual, I didn't know my dad before the accidents.
I don't have as many good memories as my brothers had.
and these visitations were hard.

sometimes, my dad was in a good mood and sometimes, he was in a horrific mood.
because of this, we had to do all the picking up and dropping off in a public place.
otherwise, my dad would cause a scene. and he did anyways.
I remember times we would try to leave, and my dad would be standing in front of my mom's car, refusing to move.

I remember always having a book with me so I could distract myself.
I remember getting so angry at my dad for how verbal abusive he was to my older brother Curt,
and sitting there wishing he would just say those things to me so Curt wouldn't have to hear them.
I remember being so grateful that my older brother Jeff still choose to come on these visitations even when he didn't have too anymore, just to try to protect us/make it a little better for us.

I really wish I remembered the positive moments, but there were so few.
my momma has told me some of the ones from when I was younger, and it helps.
and my dad was a good person and I know he loved us all.
but he just couldn't get better.
and that hurts so much.

and this is where my problems with perfectionism come from.
I though if I was perfect and never made any mistakes,
my dad would get it together for us, that he would fight to get better.
but that's not how it works.

and the hardest part to deal with is his accident.
   he's no longer here.
all the hope that I had for him to get better has to disappear now.
and if I'm going to be really honest, I really really would have liked to have a dad.
and to be a daddy's girl.

but now, I feel a little like just another girl with daddy's issues.
just another girl who fell in love with a boy just like her dad.

a lot of these comes from me trying to avoid my issues.
so my goal for myself in no shame november to actually deal with these feelings,
and try to work through them the best I can.

and to remember that my momma and my brother Curt are still the best family anyone could have.