2011 has had some shining moments and some not so shining moments,
but all in all, it's been great.
Top 5 moments:
1. FRANCE. seriously made my life. I cannot wait to go aboard again in May.
2. San Francisco with my momma!
3. Getting closer to my momma over the course of this year. I've definitely had some lows, but she was there for me every time, and has been truly amazing in helping me handle this heart deal.
4. Service trip to El Paso.
5. so many wonderful moments with my friends. they're amazing, hands down.
but now it's time for a new year! I love this time of the year. it feels magically and perfect for a fresh start. 2012 is gonna be a good year, my friends!
goals for 2012:
1. Get my heart fixed. so far, it's going like open-heart surgery so 2012 is gonna be a big year. but this also means I have an excuse to slow down/make friends with 80 yr old ladies in the cardiac dept/eat a bunch of ice cream (cause it's totally like getting your tonsils out right?!)
2. Get Healthy. More running, more fresh/natural food, more remembering those vitamins everyday/run a 5K.
3. Have a fresh start! I want to graduate and go some place completely new where I know no one and just work and have a fabulous time.
4. Have long hair. so superficial, but I want it. no. shame.
5. No regrets
In other news, the thrifting in my hometown is seriously good.
check these out!
both for the big expensive price of 2 bucks. sometimes I really love being home.
once again, I have been super absent from the blogging world.
finals and the holidays got the best of me but at least I have good grades and wonderful presents!
I also completed all of my cardiac tests on one of my free days during finals week.
probably one of the stupidest choices I've ever made.
going by yourself to a hospital is no fun, and especially not when everyone there keeps asking you why you're alone.
but I did it, and then I went back to campus and took some more tests.
and between the stress of finals and rushing to pack and come home and then getting home and wanting to see everyone, I completely forgot about the tests and getting the results.
and then I suddenly remembered and started to freak out/stress about them.
and the fact that the hospital forgot to fax my results to my cardiologist was more frustrating.
and then they forgot to send them over again until it was two weeks after my tests and I still had no results.
but I got results today..
and it's not terrible, but I do definitely have something wrong with my heart.
so far, what I've gotten told is that I have a small hole/channel between the chambers of my heart.
the cardiologist isn't sure how big it is or where exactly it is, but he said it's not horrible news so I'm choosing to believe him.
I have to do another test to figure all that out, and then go from there.
based on my google findings so far (real legit I promise), they just repair the hole and everything will be fine. plus, they prescribed me meds to slow my heart down so I won't notice it when it trips and races, and will basically be more comfortably. I thought this was really considerate of them.
and hopefully I'll get a wicked scar like 'arry Potter!
I told my mom I wanted a boob job to cover up the scar also.
she didn't find that funny.
most of all, I'm just glad they found something, and I haven't been imagining all these things with my heart. but it's still kind of scary.
I've been pretty naive all along and just assumed that it would all just end up that I've been too stressed and just needed to slow down.
and I have a list of excuses a mile long, but honestly I just had nothing to say.
I've been in a funk lately, and it really hasn't gone away.
and I haven't been able to focus on much of anything,
which is a hot mess during finals.
but this morning, as I was about to get really frustrated with myself again about being in funk/stressed/notfocusing/notstudying,
I realized what I needed to do was write.
to acknowledge why I'm in funk and can't focus, and to then move on.
with no apologies, no regrets,
just acceptance.
I'm in a funk because I just want this semester to be over, and I still have one more final tomorrow. It's in my most difficult class, and I need to do well and all I want to do is say f*** it. who wants to learn about ancient egypt anyways? not me.
beyond school, I'm in a funk because I'm anxious about going home.
these by no means I'm not excited to see my momma and my brother (who has his first interview for a real job! so proud!), and my friends, but I'm still anxious.
and I was trying to ignore the reasons why, but not doesn't really help at all.
so here's the reasons I'm anxious:
-my family now knows how much I ignore my grief, and they want to help me with this. but I'm still scared and I still want to run. it's SO much easier to run from this in Chicago where hardly anyone knows and I can pretend it all didn't happen. but that's not healthy and I know I have to face this, but it still feels like too much, even with the help and support of my family.
-I need to figure out what I'm doing next year/apply to places. this means I need to accept the fact that I'm leaving chicago and my comfort zone. I won't be close to family or friends, and I'll be independent. I know this is exactly what I need, and I know going to LA or San Fran is going to be the right choice but I still feel like I'm doing it completely alone and am heading in a completely different direction than everyone else. that scares me.
-I miss my ex. Being home makes it 10x worse/easier to make excuse of reasons to see him/contact him. He is my comfort zone, and by actually dealing with my grief and applying to post-grad options, I'm leaving that comfort zone completely behind. I can't focus on his problems anymore, and I have to just face my own. this is not quite something I've accepted yet. I still wish we could have ended it better/worked out/a billion other things, but we can't. I'm learning to become ok with this, but it's hard to accept that I can't fix this problem because I didn't cause it. All I can do is move on, and go tackle my dreams.
so that's the plan.
accepting who I am, with no apologies, no regrets.
....and demolishing that ancient egypt test tomorrow, and then getting picked from the airport by best friend (too excited!)
it's a wonderful feeling, and sometimes is something I lose sight of.
I have a tendency to just kind of halfway live,
like I go through the motions of each day, and it's ok,
but I don't get that feeling of being fully alive.
I've been feeling stuck.
I've been worrying about my heart,
and jumping to conclusions after my recent cardio appointment.
I've been freaking out about graduation and real life.
I've been worrying about a close friend who recently found out some scary health news.
I've been just going through the motions with school, work, and my friendships.
I've been counting down the days to graduation and moving and starting my "life."
it just felt like the same cycle, over and over again.
and I needed to realize my life is happening right now,
not months away... or months ago
I think it's really easy to caught up in the everydayness of life,
I know I personally spend much of my time just rushing towards to next thing,
to the next goal I think will make everything seem right,
to the next thing that I think will make me happy,
without realizing that the present is what I should be focusing on.
so this is what I have been focusing on lately.
living in the present, not the past nor the future.
Things I've done to feel alive (hello awkward wording):
1. I got an email about the Episcopal Service Corps, a post-graduate volunteering program through the Episcopal Church that is committed to promoting social justice and living simply.
I seriously got emotional reading the website and looking at all the placements across the U.S.
like, teared up emotional because it's perfect.
it's exactly what I want to do, and I got this sense of peace after finding it.
next year (pending on the acceptance of my application) is figured out,
and I could not be happier with my choice.
just thinking about volunteering in LA, San Fran, NY, DC, or Winston-Salem, NC makes me feel so alive and excited about my life. I feel like I've gotten purpose back in my life.
2. Rebounding. Ok, so I know this is weird/awkward but seriously, after being with the same guy on and off for about 5 years, I really just needed to get the awkwardness of kissing/dancing/talking/flirting with someone else over with. I also knew if I didn't push myself to do this soon, I would just not do it and keep living in the past. so while I think there comes a point when rebounding has gone too far, I definitely support it in the short-term. so go get it ladies!
3. ladies night. friday night, I hung out with my friends Kat (http://kathleenleahy.tumblr.com/), Blair, and Liz (http://lizbricewhy.blogspot.com/). best. choice. ever. sometimes, you just need to get a little ridiculous with your ladies to remind you what life is really about, and too forgot all your little worries. I definitely needed that night, so thank you ladies!
4. House shows. last night I went to another house show for Sons of the West, Barbaric and The Mason Burrow Sound. it was amazing! I'm a firm believer that music heals the soul, and live music is even better. just being there and dancing was so freeing. I went with my friend jennifer, and both of us weren't drinking but when we left, we were both definitely drunk on life (super cliche, but true). plus, the men at this party! my goodness, they were all fiiiine! where have all of you been hiding at loyola?! (hopefully no loyola men read by blog, otherwise this could get awkward.)
here's bit of Sons of the West:
their album's on itunes, so check it out folks. also, check out their facebook pages
...and to think I was going to stay in and study.
but then I was like this is my last year at loyola.
it's either I make the most of it now, or regret it later,
and I plan on having little to no regrets this year.
ps. The Mason Burrow Sound also covered All of the Lights by Kanye
so. good.
here's a short clip of it:
please pardon jennifer and I's singing/talking. if only I was as good as sophia rose.
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