no apologies, no regrets.

I have not blogged in way too long, 

and I have a list of excuses a mile long, but honestly I just had nothing to say.

I've been in a funk lately, and it really hasn't gone away.

and I haven't been able to focus on much of anything,

which is a hot mess during finals.

but this morning, as I was about to get really frustrated with myself again about being in funk/stressed/notfocusing/notstudying,

I realized what I needed to do was write.

to acknowledge why I'm in funk and can't focus, and to then move on.

with no apologies, no regrets,

just acceptance.

I'm in a funk because I just want this semester to be over, and I still have one more final tomorrow. It's in my most difficult class, and I need to do well and all I want to do is say f*** it. who wants to learn about ancient egypt anyways? not me.

beyond school, I'm in a funk because I'm anxious about going home.

these by no means I'm not excited to see my momma and  my brother (who has his first interview for a real job! so proud!), and my friends, but I'm still anxious.

and I was trying to ignore the reasons why, but not doesn't really help at all.

so here's the reasons I'm anxious:

-my family now knows how much I ignore my grief, and they want to help me with this. but I'm still scared and I still want to run. it's SO much easier to run from this in Chicago where hardly anyone knows and I can pretend it all didn't happen. but that's not healthy and I know I have to face this, but it still feels like too much, even with the help and support of my family.

-I need to figure out what I'm doing next year/apply to places. this means I need to accept the fact that I'm leaving chicago and my comfort zone. I won't be close to family or friends, and I'll be independent. I know this is exactly what I need, and I know going to LA or San Fran is going to be the right choice but I still feel like I'm doing it completely alone and am heading in a completely different direction than everyone else. that scares me.

-I miss my ex. Being home makes it 10x worse/easier to make excuse of reasons to see him/contact him. He is my comfort zone, and by actually dealing with my grief and applying to post-grad options, I'm leaving that comfort zone completely behind.  I can't focus on his problems anymore, and I have to just face my own.  this is not quite something I've accepted yet. I still wish we could have ended it better/worked out/a billion other things, but we can't. I'm learning to become ok with this, but it's hard to accept that I can't fix this problem because I didn't cause it.  All I can do is move on, and go tackle my dreams.

so that's the plan.

accepting who I am, with no apologies, no regrets.

....and demolishing that ancient egypt test tomorrow, and then getting picked from the airport by best friend (too excited!)