No Shame November Wrap-up

how the heck did it become the end of november already?!

I am utterly unprepared for december, finals, and christmas.

plus, that means no shame november is coming to a close,

and as much as participating in this project has scared me at times,

and as much as I didn't want to fess up to some of things I'm ashamed about, 

and as scared as I was to link some of those posts to facebook,

this project has been wonderful,

and I'm so proud to have been apart of it.

so thank you.

thank you for reading.

thank you for the wonderful comments.

thank you to those who participated.

and I hope it helped you to feel slightly less ashamed yourself.

because if I've learned anything this month,

it's that it's perfectly ok to have things you're ashamed of.

but these things by no means define you, nor should they hold you back,

because you are wonderful.

so even though this project is coming to an end,

please remember, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

not.a.single.thing.

ps. even lil wayne agrees!

Words of Wisdom

I don't know what it is with this week, but it's been rough.

murphy's law has been in full force.

I don't know about you, but I need to re-focus,

and stop focusing on things I cannot change like my past.

but today is new day, and I plan on embracing it.

No Shame November: I'm lost.

I love going home, and this thanksgiving break was no different.

Home is my center, it reminds of where I came from and what I care about,

But this break also made me feel incredibly lost in my life.

I feel like I’m going in a completely separate direction than a lot of my friends.

They’re getting married.

They have boyfriends.

They know vaguely what their doing with their lives.

They’ve got it together.

They seem to following the correct plan: go to college, figure out what you want to do, figure out who you love, get a job, get married and live happily after.

Two of my friends also bought wedding veils from my momma this weekend,

Which is wonderful, and I’m incredibly happy for them and they’ll look absolutely stunning.

And here I am graduating a year early for no other real reason than I want to.

I have no idea what I’m doing next year.

I’m not entirely positive I truly want to go to law school.

I don’t have a boyfriend,

And I’m ok with just being independent.

I have the biggest case of wanderlust also.

Even after living in the wonderful city of Chicago for the past three years,

I’ve over it.

I need a change. I want to travel. I want to see everything.

Even when I come home, I feel a need to get out of town for at least half of the break.

But I have no idea where I want to go

And I have no idea what I really want to do.

and  I feel like I’m not following the plan.

I feel lost.

Some days I really want to just open a clothing store,

Others I just want to help my momma with her business,

But then again I know I also want to help others and do human rights work.
and most days, I just want to have some sort of an impact.

And I have no idea how all those things go together,

Especially when I have such a case of wanderlust.

How to do you combine a completely frivolous love of material things like clothes and shoes with a love to volunteer?

I’m not sure if you can reconcile these two things.

It’s scary, and I feel like the pressure is on to figure out my “plan.”

A Grateful Heart.

I absolutely love thanksgiving.

good food, friends, family, and being home are all of my favorite things, 

and a holiday that combines them is perfection!

I have so much to grateful for this year:

-My family. I love them to death, and they are amazing, both my immediate and extended family.  They support me in everything I do, and are so encouraging.

My beautiful momma!

My wonderful brother, who I missing today since he couldn't make it home from Texas. Miss you!

-My friends. This includes my best friends from high school and college. I seriously don't know where'd I be without all of you, and am grateful the have such amazing friends everyday.

-being home. there's just something about being at home that brings peace to my heart.

that and this face...

-making it to my cardio appointment yesterday. traffic in the city was HORRIBLE, and really thought we'd have to re-scheldule it even thought my momma made the 6 hour trek in for it. luckily, we made it! more to come on this..

-having my best friend home with me for break=best. choice. ever. I beyond grateful that I met Kat my freshman year.

-yummy food. my grandma cooks a mean thanksgiving day feast, even though she's recovering from back surgery. so good!

hope you all had a wonderful day!

Words of Wisdom

ps. here's some links to some other wonderful ladies who are a part of the No Shame November project:

http://lizbricewhy.blogspot.com/

http://kathleenleahy.tumblr.com/ (the fearless founder)

Like Crazy.

so yesterday afternoon I was in a slightly odd mood, and decided to go to a movie in Evanston (where Northwestern is/all the classy folk and happiness in the world)

and I've been wanting to see Like Crazy for awhile

never before in my life have I had such a strong emotional reaction to a movie.

it's tale of first love.

it's raw.

it's every emotion I've ever felt with my first love.

the wanting, the missing, the loving, the fighting, the jealousy, the needing,

the midnight phone calls,

the midnight text messages,

the never knowing when to stop,

when to try to see other people,

when to give up.

or when not to.

it's honestly it's one of the best movie I've ever seen.

 I thought I understood it. But I didn't. I knew the smudgeness of it. The eagerness of it. The Idea of it. Of you and me. -Anna

and the ending will surprise you.

It's Friday, Friday, Friday!

thank goodness it's friday. if this week would have lasted one more day, I would have cried.

I've finally started the process of writing my 4 final papers, and had to present on one them today.

it went really well, and since I was doing it on 'kingly' queens in egypt,

I really really wanted to include the nicki minaj lyric, "you can be the king, but watch the queen conquer."

luckily, I restrained myself and probably saved my grade.

This is how I spent all of my time last night...looks fun huh?! you know you loooooove ancient egypt.

I also got a job offer this week... crazy right?!

it's from the lawyer I intern for, and he offered me a job to work part-time for him next semester.

for $12 (or higher) an hour!!-beyond exciting to a poor college student.

...but I may or may not have been counting down the days till I was down with this internship since it's 

been SO stressful.

so I'm conflicted. It's really good money, and I could work my hours on the weekend (a big plus),

and it would look really good on my resume that I interned for him and then got hired.

and he's actually a nice guy. just super busy, and immigration law is a hot mess!

so sell my soul and make a look of money, and continue in the field I actaully want to pursue (law)

...or take an academic credit (unpaid) internship in Archives on campus?

tricky, tricky, tricky.

good thing I'm really bad at making decisions. 

too blessed to be stressed.

I saw this as a friend's facebook status a while back,

and ever since then I've decided this is going to be my motto.

I really am "too blessed to be stressed."

but sometimes between school, work, internship, and volunteering, 

it's really easy to lose sight of this.

so I decided to start writing grateful lists, just to give myself a little reminder.(:

Things I'm grateful for lately:

-getting a 95 on a presentation I was worried about.

-my momma. she puts up with so much from me, seriously.

-my bosses at work. they are amazing. end of story.

-my volunteer group. what a wonderful group of people.

-not having my wednesday afternoon class anymore because it's final paper time. some free time is wonderful!

-being able to get a massage this week, and paying with a gift card.

-randomly running into friends I haven't seen in forever.

-my internship is almost over

-my best friend is coming home with me for thanksgiving break. so excited!

-in a week, I'll get to see all my old friends from home!

cannot.wait.for.thanksgiving.break.

-and a big one... 

I got chosen to go on an Alternative Break Immersion to Guatemala this spring!

I have been dying to go on this trip, and I went on an ABI last year, and it was one of the best experiences of my life. this is perfect for the wanderlust I'm currently experiencing all. the. time.

so no matter how many things I need to accomplish this week, they will get done and I refuse to stress out over them.

too blessed to be stressed. 

Words of Wisdom

via Pinterest

No Shame November: Food.

ok this is an incredibly scary post for me to write, but here it is.

shame: I have had disordered eating.

This means I've struggled with all three biggies: anorexia/bulimia/binge eating,

all at different times and to varying degrees.

I didn't struggle with any of this until about 5 years ago.

Until then, I was really ok with my body/food/self-esteem for the most part.

This was prom was junior year, before any of the disordered eating happens.

I was happily dating my ex, and overall, pretty pleased about everything.

but then the realtionship started to have some problems,

college was coming, we were both going to europe separately that summer,

and he was going to a theater camp all summer about 3 hours away.

that summer was rough.

I begin to doubt myself,

and every time we fought,

I felt like it was my fault and that I wasn't good enough.

the crazy thing is I can still tell to this day the comment that he said that sparked my disordered eating. and by sparked, I by no means I'm saying he caused any of these.

we were talking about strippers (weird, I know),

and he said, "I think it's great that a women can have a good enough body to make money off it."

and some how, I took that comment as my body wasn't good enough.

I became obsessed with what I ate that summer right after I got back from Europe.

while, my ex was away at his theater camp,

I was at home restricting everything I ate,

and working out at least once a day.

and it worked. I lost 30 lbs in one summer.

and I didn't stop. I continued to obsess.

and our relationship didn't get any better.

I started working out twice a day,

and eating only twice a day, 

until eventually, I was 120 lbs.

fall of my senior year

I was unhealthy and I didn't want to admit it.

everyone around tried to bring it up, 

and honestly, it almost made me feel good when they noticed how much weight I had lost.

I remember getting called into the nurse's office and getting weighed because a teacher was concerned.

and I still didn't get it. I still thought I was fine, and that this restricting would make everything better.

Prom my senior year.

this continued throughout my senior year,

but I started to switch the restricting with bulimia and binging.

and yet I still ignored it.

and finally, the relationship crashed and burned for the first time.

and this is when I wish I would have stopped,

but I didn't.

it got worse.

and my freshman year of college, 

I ended up going in the opposite direction.

fall of my freshman year.

I felt ridiculous, and overall just upset with myself.

so I went back to restricting.

and my communication with my ex has a lot to do with this also.

anytime he's in the picture, I find it incredibly hard to eat normal.

and I end up restricting because I don't think I'm good enough.

this cycle of disordered eating continued until this past summer.

I had enough.

I was over it.

I'd rather love myself.

so I started therapy, and I started telling some of my friends so they knew.

I needed the support.

and I wasn't going to get it from my ex.

I also started seeing a nutritionist this fall, 

because I had no idea what is was like to eat healthy/normal.

I literally hadn't done it in 5 years.

and I got better.

and I'm by no means done, 

but I'm also a lot farther along than I was a year ago.

and that's ok with me.

I'm happy with my body more often than I'm upset with it,

and that's the a new thing for me. 

it's a good feeling to have no shame.

President's ball this fall

Can weekends last forever? Please and Thank you.

this weekend went absolutely too fast,

and I did not do near enough homework.

but let's do a quick little recap...

Friday:

-I went to President's Ball, a dance hosted by Loyola at the Grand Ballroom at Navy Pier.

I went with my friend Jennifer, and it was so much fun!

and we have the pictures to prove it!

I decided heels were overrated....and to be the only girl not wearing them at the dance.

we really like CTA pictures

Saturday:

-got a bunch of groceries in preparation for tonight.

-so. much. cleaning.

-ate dinner with my best frand- we both even got chicken strips-that's destiny folk.

-spent most of the convo trying to convince her to come home with me for thanksgiving break.

-worked out/sauna with jennifer

and watching Crazy.Stupid.Love.

perfection.

can this be my life?

Sunday:

-so I woke my butt up for church this morning....not realizing it was the centennial celebration service.

complete with lyrical dance performed by middle-aged women. too awkward. too long.

-and then I went to target and bought christmas decorations. NO SHAME. they're super cute.

-I baked so much today for my reflection with my volunteer group. my new name should be betty homemaker for sure.

I made Baked Cream Cheese Spaghetti from a Pinterest Recipe and it was AMAZING

and I made cupcakes and oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. Obviously I love my volunteer group.

Baked Cream Cheese Spaghetti

-then walk and talk with jennifer. seriously love that girl.

and we discovered this on our walk:

this is why I love this city. 

No Shame November: Grief.

Grief.

That single word holds most of my shame in this world.

I have no idea how to cope with my grief.

I have no idea how to be the girl that lost her brother and father.

so I don't.

I act like it's all fine, and that I'm a strong enough person to handle this.

I have some bad days, with lots of crying and talking to my momma,

but beyond that, I run from the grief.

I'm scared that if I actually face it, that I'll completely lose it.

that the grief will overwhelm me.

because honestly, it already kind of does.

they say losing a person will get better with time,

but I feel that's different with grief.

I may not cry everyday, but everyday it's there.

it's one of the few things that is absolutely constant in my life,

and I choose to ignore it.

why?

because I don't want to be the girl with issues.

I don't want to be the girl who fears of losing everyone.

I don't want people to view me different after I tell them.

I don't want to have trust issues.

I didn't want to lose my dad and my brother, 

but that's not a choice I got to make.

and I was really young when I lost my dad and my brother (11 and 13 years old)

both within 3 years.

and jeff died 3 days before my birthday,

and I still remember his last words to me-"I promise I'll be at your birthday, scrubbly."

honestly, it's hard to live with this.

and I was too young to fully cope with this.

I've been a therapy for around 6 months now. (another shame)

and you know what?

my therapist called me out on running away from my grief.

in those 6 months, I've only mentioned my dad or my brother in passing.

the two biggest, single, most painful events in my life, and I barely mention them.

instead, I'd rather sit there and talk about everyday things or my ex.

I'm also terribly at talking to my family about this,

because my momma and my brother are actually coping with their grief.

and I'm jealous. 

I just feel so awkward talking about it.

I feel shame over this.

I really wish I was able to talk about it, and able to think about all our memories,

but it's too hard.

because I'm so scared.

I don't think I can handle it.

I really think I might fall apart if I try.

sometimes, reality is just too harsh.

but reality is all you have.

so there comes a time to face it,

and folks, this is my time.

No more shame.

No more running.

My parents. See where I get my awkwardness from? Blaming them all the way.

My brother, and the greatest inspiration for my life.

Yeah, I look like a boy, but I still worship this picture. so much happiness.

Words of Wisdom

often times I find myself just wishing certain things would happen, instead of actively trying to pursue them. so just in case you needed a reminder too, pursue everything your little heart desires, and you'll get all those marvelous things.

Daddy Issues.

in honor of no shame november, I'm going to tackle of my shames I hardly ever talk about.
like hardly ever talk with my momma about

my dad was an alcoholic.

"was" because he died in a drunk driving accident.

he was the drunk driver.

right before I was born, my dad had two  head injuries.
one was through a motorcycle accidents (wear helmets folks!), and another was through a farming accident.
so naturally both of these resulted in his mood being altered, and this was something incredibly hard for him to cope with.
so he coped with alcohol.

my momma tried her best to let him through this, but everyone hits that point.
you can't help someone who doesn't want to get better.
so they divorced, and my brothers and I had weekly visitations with my dad.
for me, this wasn't incredibly unusual, I didn't know my dad before the accidents.
I don't have as many good memories as my brothers had.
and these visitations were hard.

sometimes, my dad was in a good mood and sometimes, he was in a horrific mood.
because of this, we had to do all the picking up and dropping off in a public place.
otherwise, my dad would cause a scene. and he did anyways.
I remember times we would try to leave, and my dad would be standing in front of my mom's car, refusing to move.

I remember always having a book with me so I could distract myself.
I remember getting so angry at my dad for how verbal abusive he was to my older brother Curt,
and sitting there wishing he would just say those things to me so Curt wouldn't have to hear them.
I remember being so grateful that my older brother Jeff still choose to come on these visitations even when he didn't have too anymore, just to try to protect us/make it a little better for us.

I really wish I remembered the positive moments, but there were so few.
my momma has told me some of the ones from when I was younger, and it helps.
and my dad was a good person and I know he loved us all.
but he just couldn't get better.
and that hurts so much.

and this is where my problems with perfectionism come from.
I though if I was perfect and never made any mistakes,
my dad would get it together for us, that he would fight to get better.
but that's not how it works.

and the hardest part to deal with is his accident.
   he's no longer here.
all the hope that I had for him to get better has to disappear now.
and if I'm going to be really honest, I really really would have liked to have a dad.
and to be a daddy's girl.

but now, I feel a little like just another girl with daddy's issues.
just another girl who fell in love with a boy just like her dad.

a lot of these comes from me trying to avoid my issues.
so my goal for myself in no shame november to actually deal with these feelings,
and try to work through them the best I can.

and to remember that my momma and my brother Curt are still the best family anyone could have.

Happy Monday!

it's incredibly gross and gloomy out today, so a pick-me-up is in order.

first off, have you heard Coldplay's new album?

Rihanna is on one song, get ri-ri!

princess of china with Rihanna is my favorite so far.

pretty much describes my life right now.

my feelings exactly this morning.

so jealous of this kid's swag!

New Blog Design + Awkward/Awesome.

ok so,  I know I only have 3 followers and justifying paying for a new blog design probably makes no sense but....

 Allison of Green Tangerine Design on Etsy was so easy to work with and affordable.

plus, my blog is pretty now and may properly attract new followers with it's snazzy new look.

and now for Awkward/Awesome!

Awkward:

-trying to move 35 lbs weights with one hand from in front of the stair-stepper cause some meathead left them there.... and then said meathead comes over and says "I only have 1 more set if you don't mind." uuuuhh yes, I do mind but I guess I get on the treadmill. so I get on the treadmill and start running but then I proceed to drop my i-pod and have it fly into the wall behind me. after that long story, who looks like the fool now? me. all could have been avoiding if the meathead would have just let me use the stair-stepper... who holds on to weights and steps? douches.

-I had to meet a client downtown this week so naturally I wanted to look good so i wore heels... on the day it was hurricane winds and a torrential downpour. my name's kelli, and I can't dress for the weather.

-I grabbed the squeaky cart at target. like ridiculously squeaky, and everyone was looking at me.

-definitely thought I babysat this friday. definitely was wrong.

-my scarf got caught in the zipper of my coat. at the immigration courthouse. right before I needed to go through security. 'no officer, I really can't get my coat off! see! my scarf is stuck in it, no bomb I promise!'-I'm awkward. and I had to cut the scarf out (my favorite one), and the zipper is still stuck! what. a. joke.

Awesome:

-I beat like 7 levels of angry birds this week. I'm the most productive person I know.

-I got a rebate check in the mail that I completely forgot about, hellllllo target!

-I figured out how to let non-blogger members comment on my blog.

-I got to work out 5 days this week, and I'm way less stressed as a result.

-I made my first dish from pinterest! What up taco casserole!

pure tastiness right there folks.

-I got my own office while interning downtown this week.

-found out the Dalai Lama is coming to Loyola! so pleased.

-went out to an awesome party friday night, and got to see so many people I know! plus, some of my ladies from France this summer (:

and this one is awkward and awesome...

-I got partially walked home for said party by this kind soul of a guy.... who while at the party told me my hair smelled amazing (uuuh thanks for the info, I guess I've never smelt it) and that I pulled off the ginger look "amazingly well." obviously these are are all very nice things so say to a lady, but I was a little taken back....and then when we were saying goodbye, my friends, he kissed my hand. like I was a princess. I've never had any of these things occur before so this goes in the category of awkward AND awesome.

scenes from my week:

so much inspiration!

my momma is now selling dog collars in her shop, and lulu is the cutest model ever! such a serious puppy..

I love anthropologie. and I want to live there. shameless.

Oh how I love Pinterest..

why do I like pinterest so much you ask?

because of someecards

seriously. this is how I feel everyday.