blessing.

seemed very relevant today.

moving home for the summer.

A. before I even begin to get into my own life, please go read these two articles that love for completely separate but equally great reasons:
http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/05/8-secrets-from-8-curvy-women-who-love-their-bodies/?c=upworthy
http://www.kendieveryday.com/2013/05/life-lately.html (I loved Kendi before this post, but seriously am so so so impressed with after this post. preaching the words of my heart)

B. I'm moving home to Iowa for the summer.

I feel like I've spent the last 3 months trying to get myself psyched up to move to Georgia and work for the summer...and them go to South Carolina.. and then Chicago.. and then to Iowa for like a week.. and then move to Boston. Thoughts of how I needed  money, and how it'll be such a wild and fun experience filled with new people rattled through my brain but always with the echo of how much I just want to go home and ride a bike.

and then my grandma on my mom's side had a heart attack and her health is starting to slip fast. after losing my grandma on my dad's side in February, I'm not willing to give up what could be my last couple of months with her. plus, I want to learn how to can, bake kolaches, and just overall get wisdom from her.

my car also got broken into last week, and my laptop got stolen. so beyond the big feeling of violation that comes with getting stuff stolen, whoever stole also had access to some really personal writing, not to mention all my photos and my personal statement and resume for grad school. I also lost a fair amount of my papers from college and all my music.

so all in all, it's been a rough couple of weeks, and it's been a stressful year. so I'm heading home for 3 whole months. the longest I've been home since I left for college 4 years ago has been 3 weeks so I'm sure this will be quite the transition. I think it's hard not to let feelings of failure and self-conscious not enter my mind when I think about moving home, but I'm realizing this is the best choice for me right now and that is what matters.

despite the awkwardness that comes with moving home, I'm excited. I'm also pretty sure I'll be thoroughly bored within a week so I'm making a list of things I'd like to do:

-practice/improve my french
-sew a skirt
-read a majority of the books on this list:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/doree/books-you-need-to-read-in-your-20s
-go on bike rides
-practice yoga (mind you, I'll have to drive 30 miles to the closest yoga studio but that's Iowa for ya)
-plant a garden and actually learn how to take care of it
-learn how to can
-improve my baking/cooking skills/overall housewife skills (not that I'm planning to be a housewife but totally useful)
-hang out on the back patio
-go to a ton of thrift stores
-stare at the stars
-attempt to not multitask
-relax

re-framing

so last week, I got up the courage to try on some of the dresses that have been hanging in my closet since last spring/summer.

why was I nervous?

because I had this idea firmly planted in my head that none of these dresses fit anymore and if I even attempted to try them on, I would end up feeling like junk wishing I was thinner etc, etc. so the dresses stayed in the back of my closet for months taunting me because even though I was avoiding trying them on so I didn't feel like junk, the whole act of avoiding trying them on also felt like junk. interesting.

so on thursday I decided to try on the dress I wore for graduation last spring..... and realized it fit! . I tried on another dress, and this one fit also, and so on and so forth.

the difficult part in all of this was that even though they all fit, the dresses all fit a little different than I remembered. some were a bit snug, some were shorter than I thought, some were not flattering anymore.  I could also feel the negative self-talk on the tip of tongue and thoughts, and knew I needed to re-frame this situation.

has my body changed over the past year? yes.
did this make the dresses fit differently? yes.

but then I though back to my mental state when I had worn all those dresses last, and I realized it was not a great one. I remembered how critical I was of myself and how much self-hate ran through my mind on a daily basis. I was miserable and incredibly self-conscious all the times I had previously worn those dresses even when they supposedly fit better and I was thinner. instead of just focusing on how my body looked at that time, I needed to look and recognize what my mental state was at that time as well. that's the the shift happened and when all the negative self-talk that was rising up began to disappear.

this moment and this re-framing helped to show me that being thin does not equate to happiness. when I looked in the mirror last week, I felt more comfortable with what I saw than I have in years and that's worth so so so much more to me than an old dress fitting perfectly. I'd realized I'd rather have the dresses fit slightly different and be in the process toward self-love, than a tad skinnier and feeling a lot more miserable about myself. life is just easier that way.

and you know what? I wore one of the dresses today and have felt wonderful all day. 

the good stuff.

happy thoughts.

brave

loving this new sara bareilles song. I'm also loving this new yoga studio I tried yesterday. I've never done restorative yoga before, and let me just tell you restorative yoga and sundays were made for each other. PLUS, this place has hot yoga but hot as in 80 degrees... finally a hot yoga my ginger overheating self can handle. holla!

self-love manifesto + new blog direction

I've spent a lot of time not blogging the past couple months, and I've also spent a lot of time looking at the blogs of others and wondering why I couldn't be like them... and then it hit me. I'm not them. (of course!) but really, having a fashion blog or lifestyle blog just isn't true to me right at this moment. Rather, I need a space to share my journey to recovery from an eating disorder and to share my attempts at self-love. and also,  I want to have a safe place to put my fears and worries, along with my happy thoughts and achievements. I want this to be a space where women can foster meaningful relationships with other women where we can all work on improving body image and self-esteem as one.

most of all, I want this space to be true to me and where I at with life right at this very moment. thank you for bearing with me these past couple of months. you're all the best.

happy list.

I don't about y'all but I have been in such a funk lately, and I got this idea from Lauren over at From My Grey Desk to make a list of 8-10 things that are making me happy lately. I have been really missing chicago and all my friends there lately so it was nice to take a couple minutes to recognize all the great things that surround me in winston.... and to remember that I will be in Boston this time next week ;)

road to recovery.

11 years.
I have spent 11 years hating my body.

I remember meeting my step-sister when I was 11 and being concerned because I felt enormous next to year. I remember being concerned when we started going to school together that I would be known as the fat sister.

I remember when I was 14 being in the Walmart parking lot with my mother bawling my eyes out because I felt fat. and I had bad skin. but mostly, I felt fat and inadequate in comparison with everyone else, and in particular, my friends at high school. my mom, being the saint that she is, asked me what would help and we began to do personal training sessions with a pilates instructor together. while I did and still do love pilates I was still only 14... and I already felt the need to have a personal trainer. more importantly, I was already linking my self-worth to my weight.

Fast forward 8 years, and my feelings towards my body have not changed. in fact, things have gotten worse, and I have already suffered from full-blown anorexia when I was 16 that has transitioned into EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified).

I have an eating disorder.

It has taken me years to get the point of even recognizing and admitting that I have an eating disorder. in fact, I have already worked with a nutritionist and therapist before my current nutritionist and therapist without acknowledging this fact. when I went to see my current nutritionist (who is a rockstar!!) , this point hit home when she asked me if I had ever received in-patient treatment. she said so matter-of-fact, like it was a totally normal assumption. the thought that I ever could have been "bad" enough to need in-patient treatment had never crossed my mind. in fact, when I had discussed with my mom about two years ago about my eating disorder I remember both of us coming to the conclusion that I didn't have a eating disorder. but then I realized it was because I (and my mom) never considered myself to have an eating disorder. mostly because I don't fit the stereotypical images that come to mind when one pictures eating disorders. that and it's real scary to admit you have an ED.

even at my lowest weight, I was never skeletal thin. but I was eating less than 900 calories a day and working out 2x a day. but because I didn't fit the mold of looking anorexic, I was able slip by. now at the age of 21, I can finally say I have an eating disorder.

another thought that really hit home when I speaking with my current nutritionist was after I had told her my life story, she looks at me and says, "you've had a hard life.. but recovering from this will be one of the hardest things you will ever do."

she's right.

even now, the first two weeks after I saw her were pretty good for me in terms of eating/not being restrictive/not binging/over all getting more in touch with my body. and then this week came, and a funk fell over me. recovery is so scary. it's so scary that it makes me want to revert back to my ED. it's almost like I'm losing a part of myself. I've been so restrictive with food for the past 6 years that the idea of letting myself go and trusting my body literally scares the crap out of me.

and also the idea of not having weight loss as a goal is scary.
or not dieting.
or not running.
or giving myself days off from working out.
or giving myself permission to binge.
or to eat ice cream.
or to eat lunch when I know I'm going out to eat that night.
or loving my body as it is today.
or changing the way I talk to myself.
or not constantly doing a "body check" when I enter a room.
or not feeling guilt when I eat a "bad" food.
or feeling worthy of love.
or talking about and acknowledging my ED.

but I also know I have no other options at this point other than to recover.

but at the same time, we live in a society that makes it hard to recover in. things I think on an almost daily basis: can I have my facebook page up without constantly comparing myself to what others are posting? can I watch tv without feeling like shit? if I eat this bagel will my roommate judge me? what if I eat a bagel and an apple? can I got to this workout class without comparing my body and my ability to every single person in the room when the instructor keeps telling me to fight for slender thighs?
...what if I like my curvy thighs? what if I don't like high intensity workouts and just want to do yoga? is that a real "workout?"

I'm so over it. I refuse to live the rest of my valuable life hating my body. Time for some self-love instead.

also, this song is getting me through the week. seriously, girl is preaching the words of my heart.

ok, time for a real life update..

friends on st. paddys day!

so it's been months yeah? honestly, I've been overwhelmed with life, and blogging just seemed to add to that stress. did that stop from reading everyone and there mother's blog? heck no. I just didn't blog myself...mostly because I couldn't even organize my life into a blog post. things aren't necessarily slowing down (do they ever?) but I feel like I'm in a better place with everything.

So first big news first, I haven't shared a ton of the application process on here, but I applied to 5 graduate schools (UIC, UNC, Tulane, Boston, and John Hopkins) in January for Masters of Public Health, and have been anxiously waiting to hear if I was going to get in. key word in that sentence being anxious! I was so terrified that I wasn't going to get accepted anywhere and that I was too young/not smart enough/etc... not a fun way to live.

GOOD NEWS though. I actually got in almost everywhere, and the only school I  didn't officially get into was John Hopkins which is totally fair since they are the top school in public health currently.

AND I actually got a merit award (aka free monies to go to school!!!) from Boston University so I have decided to officially accept my offer from Boston University and will be moving to Boston in August or September. I'm planning to pursue an International Health concentration with an emphasis in Sex, Sexuality, Gender, and Health (!!!!!!). I have a couple friends from studying aboard who live in or near Boston currently so I'm excited to actually know people where I'm moving for once. It was also awesome to get so many acceptances. It honestly made me feel so proud of myself, and of all the hard work I have put into my education and my career.

huge thanks to my roommate elizabeth for thinking to take a photo the day I got my acceptance!

my brother also got a job at a museum in Idaho and is currently driving out there! I'm so proud of him for getting his dream job and taking the risk of moving across the country to pursue it. my best friend Kat also accepted a teaching position with Teach for America in South Carolina and will be placed there for the next two years. So proud of her for getting an offer from such an competitive program! I'm literally surrounded by successful people. I feel like there's a lot big changes in store for everyone close to me, but they are all such great opportunities! plus, I'll just have to travel around and see everyone.

my friend tara come to visit! pure happiness for 5 days

pretty much sums up my year.

I've also decided to work at the summer camp in Georgia that my roommate Elizabeth. It's apparently 30 mins from the coast and a blast so I'm excited to have a change of pace. I still LOVE working at the Food Bank but honestly can feel myself getting a bit burnout. that's part of the reason way I'm so excited to go back to school and be around inspiring people. it's hard work listening and working with people who are in hard situations day in and day out, and sometimes I just need a day to rejuvenate, which is what I'm doing today.

speaking of burn out, the community life of the house also hasn't been the greatest nor the least stressful the past couple of months. we only have two months left, but I'd be lying if I said the last couple of months have been rainbows and sunshine. it's definitely been a learning experience and a worthwhile experience. after this year, I know I can do anything haha. and the break it's given me to focus on myself has been invaluable.

I've also decided to seek treatment for my eating disorder and to begin my recovery process. talking about this process with even those near and dear to me is scary and hard, but I feel its important to have support around me. also, I think it's important that we start to promote self-love and a building a healthy relationship with food as a society so I'm planning to be more honest and share about my experiences on here in hoping of helping others.

I'm going to miss this north carolina sunrises

I collect gingers

here's a website for your workday viewing pleasure:
http://www.icollectgingers.com/

this is a project by Anthea Pokroy, an South American based ginger artisit (her words-but I like them). Here's her description of the project: I collect gingers is a project about identity, prejudice and racial classification, segregation and elitism which explores my own personal histories of being Jewish and South African. This artwork will be manifested by collecting gingers (or red heads) through archiving and documenting them individually and in groups. This will be presented as a multimedia exhibition which will include photography, video, installation and performance.

my favorite part is the manifesto of gingers..
"We strive for a ginger utopia. A world where red headed people, not only are not ridiculed and ostracised, but where our tonal superiority is envied and celebrated. Our status and privilege will be great and abundant."

so ridiculous and great. also, the photos are stunning. this is a project I'd love to be a part of. plus, I love the all the self-love apparent throughout this project. bravo Anthea Pokroy

happy monday

I don't know about you but I was definitely dragging today and wanted to stay in my warm bed alllllllllllllll day. so then I decided to actually get up and do my hair/put together an outfit. logical, eh? the fact that I got a haircut this weekend does make doing my hair much more appealing though.

I also got a new yogi tea called "vanilla spice- perfect energy" in attempt to wean myself off coffee. ummmm it's delcious! it's a black tea/green tea blend and tasted a lot like chai tea to me.  plus, I actually did feel energized after drinking it AND it has adorable sayings on each bag.

I also heard from another MPH program, and I got waitlisted at John Hopkins but it's the #1 program in the country so I'm still pretty proud. I thought I was going to get rejected since it was definitely my reach school. who knew I'd be excited to be waitlisted. So far, I've gotten into Boston University and Tulane University and have gotten no rejections. Still waiting to hear from UNC and UIC.... what a stressful process.

weekend update

this is the email that started off my weekend. HELLO, I'm going to grad school! I definitely teared up as I read it. I worked so hard in college for this moment to come. I feel like I'm still a little bit in shock that I got in. so blessed.

Friday night, I went to a play that one of the girls from the Youth Group I help with was in. It was ADORABLE. if you all ever have a chance to go to The 25th Annual Putnam Spelling Bee - go!! Then on Saturday, my friend Tara fly in from Iowa, and we and some of my other lovely friends went to a St. Paddy's Day party put on by one of the local bars downtown. it was a blast. they had two stages going of irish music, bagpipers and a drum corps, and lots of ridiculous outfits.

then on sunday, I dragged Tara to go hike Hanging Rock. it was SO beautiful but definitely a little harder hike than we expected. as you can see from the photo in the lower right hand corner, Tara was not pleased...until we got to the top. then she loved it. sometimes I forget how pretty north carolina is.

PS. my mom is having free shipping on all of her adorable headbands and garters- check them out! they are perfect for prom!
http://martiandcompany.blogspot.com/2013/03/prom-accessories-free-shipping-on-all.html
or
http://www.etsy.com/shop/MartiMaginnis

high five for friday

1. I got new shoes from target last night. helllllllllllo beautifuls.

2. north carolina sky seriously has been killing it lately

3. my best friend Tara comes to town tomorrow!! so her favorite wine had to be purchased.

4. March is National Nutrition month so I'm doing a paper plate project for the Food Bank and people have been SO creative with them. 

5. it's friday. this is all.

linking up with lauren today.

wwiw: green, green and more green

so with the combination of emerald being pantone's color of the year and the fact that it's the week leading up to st. patrick's day, I've been wearing green almost every day. as a redhead, I'm all for this! I think I may need a green intervention soon though...

top: Target// necklace: Topshop// jeans:Forever 21// Boots: gifted from my momma

scarf: AE//jacket: AE//tank top: Marshall's//boots: Hunter//leggings: thrifted//headband: a little shop in Asheville, NC

linking up here today:

one year.

ok so I promise promise promise I actually have a life update post coming soon! I sort of took an impromptu blogging break, and it was a good thing.

this past week, I've found myself thinking about this time last year a lot. remembering all the changes my life was going through, all the uncertainty, and all the pain.

I was in the middle of graduating early, finding out I had a heart defect, had applied/was interviewing/getting offers for years of service in various parts of the country, and I was also trying to make an unhealthy relationship work.

I had so many dreams for the year to come..to travel, to date someone new, to be moved by something, to meet new people, to immerse myself in new culture, to help others..  but yet I was holding onto a relationship that was holding me back.

I was ready to give up all my dreams for that one person pretty much until I wasn't anymore.

but honestly, I had already been taking the steps to walk away. it's so much easier to walk away when you have something to walk too. for me, this wasn't another person. this was my life. it was traveling, it was volunteering, it was spending time with my family, it was loving my body, it was pursuing my dreams, respecting my own choices, and just being happy.

looking back, it's been a crazy year. at this exact time on this exact day, I was on the phone with him having our very last conversation of a five year relationship.

since then, I've graduated college with honors, gone a perfect spring break trip with my best friends, traveled to Guatemala, traveled to Tunisia, dated someone new, moved to North Carolina and started The Abraham Project, and applied to Masters of Public Health programs.

in other words, my life has completely changed.

all it took was walking away (or my case, moving half way across the country.

wwiw

here's a couple of my most recent outfits. the first picture is today's.I'm really feeling muted colors, stripes, and statement necklaces.

linking up here today:

to my father

"Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door." - Stephen Colbert

today is the anniversary of my father's death.
after writing my personal statements for masters of public health, I realized there were many things left unsaid between my father and I.

to my father:

thank you pursuing my mother even after she moved half-way across the country, and convincing her to fall in love with you.
thank you for fostering my love of reading, and for chauffeuring curt and I across the state of Iowa to whatever libraires we didn't owe fines to at the time.
thank you for teaching me to save all my coins and to take to the bank to treat myself with money got low. this meant difference between smelly clothes and clean clothes in college.
thank you for eating ketchup sandwiches during the week so you would have enough money to take us kids out to eat on the weekend. 
thank you for consistently fighting for more visitation with us even when you were not mentally healthy enough to receive it.
thank you for believing in me and my dreams, even when I said I wasn't interested in the family farm.
thank you for loving us to the best of your ability.

most of all, thank you for trying to get better. I know I have spent much of my life so incredibly mad at you for not overcoming your alcoholism and for eventually dying of it, so much so that I have completely overlooked how hard you tried. 

thank you for attempting to become a better man for us. thank you for being my father.

love always.

obsessed.

a song combining my two loves, florence and rap? perfection. excuse me while I listen to this non-stop for the rest of the day.

Happy Monday.

my feelings on today.

...but I did magically find this military jacket in my closet. I've had it forever but it's been lost in the abyss of my closet for some time. thank you military jacket for improving my monday. you da best.

hunger in the united states: myths and stigmas surrounding food stamps

after attending an inspiring legislative briefing held by United Way about North Carolina's state budget and advocacy, I decided to take a break and check Facebook. normally I don't think too much into people's statuses but one in particular made me stop. this person chose to comment on food stamps, and not in a positive light.....and over 85 people "liked" this status. I wish I could say that I didn't let this status and the people who choose to "like" get to me, but in all honesty, I got ridiculously mad.  I successfully fulfilled every stereotype there is about redheads being hot headed and fireballs in this moment.

I know the topics of food stamps and hunger are not comfortable things to talk about in our society.  I also know that I haven't shared a lot about what I do for living on this blog beyond that I work for a food bank, but I have to take a stance on this issue.  it's one that I encounter and advocate for every single day, and will for the rest of my life. this post are entirely my own thoughts, opinons, and experiences.

my job at the food bank is to travel to food pantries within our service area to assist clients at the pantry in applying for food stamps. I also work on advocating for more government assistance and sharing the stories I hear. I damn proud of my job, the organization I work for, and especially the people I work with.

these are the statistics I face everyday:
-369,600 people who are food insecure in our service area alone. that's 18.7% of the population that is food insecure.
-of that number, 35% are people who do NOT qualify for government assistance based on income.
-our state is ranked 6th in the nation for food hardship, and the specific town I work in is 3rd in the nation for food hardship.
-more than 28% of the food banks in our state have had to turn people away and at least 31% have reduced quantities of food despite increased need.
-hunger has no face. it covers all demographics from seniors to children to latinos to caucasians. it is not just the malnourished child from africa.
-they cannot go out and just get a job.  the number of unemployed workers per job vacancy is 3 to 1. sidenote: my brother has a masters, graduated with high honors and is still underemployed. it's not as easy as you think.
-46% of unemployed workers have been out of work for more than 26 weeks. this means they no longer receive unemployment, and likely have no income.
-the annual income for a family of four in the state I live in is $23,021.  this is currently $4,000 lower than it was before the great recession.
-the fraud rate for food stamps is less than 10%, but yet many choose to focus on that 10%. the food stamp application is 8 pages back to back, and all information has to be verified and the client interviewed before approval is even considered.
-food stamps is considered a SUPPLEMENTAL income. research has proven that food stamps only buys enough food to last for 2 and 1/2 weeks.
-the average benefit amount for seniors is $16.  these are the same people who have been paying into this system their whole life.

many of the statistics above increase if you were to just look at children, especially children of color.

all of these statistics are unacceptable.

this is what I face everyday when I go out to work in the pantries. this is the reality I see. while at a pantry today, a women came up to speak with me. she looked a bit familiar, and once she started to talk I realized I had helped her apply in November.  this women turned to be and said, "I cannot thank you enough for helping me receive food stamps. because of you, I am not longer starving." that women why I do what I do. she is the exact reason why I refuse to remain silent. these people are just trying to survive.  they are some of the hardest working individuals I have ever encountered in my life. none of them want to be at a food pantry, and absolutely none of them are proud of this. they constantly remind of how lucky I truly am. I had the privilege to have obtained a college degree from a private university.  I am lucky to be able to live off of $400 a month. I am lucky to be able to choose whether or not I want to apply to law school. I had the privilege to be raised by a hard working single mother who worked her ass off to support my brothers and myself.  hunger in the United States is public health issue, and it's high time that we recognize it as one.

hunger is everywhere. it is not just in the state I live in.

1 in 6 Americans struggles to obtain the food they need. America is not immune to the program of hunger. Government assistance is necessary. No one deserves to go hungry.  Please take the time to hear the stories of those who are hungry before you take the time to judge their actions.

both of theses are clients I've worked with this year.

*comments have been disabled*

women in 2012: miss representation

this was so absurd I'm not even sure how to formulate words to respond to it besides anger. welcome to my feminist side.

motto for 2013

via pinterest

hellllllllllllllo 2013!

long time no talk! I decided to take an impromptu break from blogging. this allowed me some time to think and reflect. it was great.

Highlights of 2012:

• Spring Break Trip: Savannah, Orlando, Daytona Beach with mah best friends. still missing that butterbeer. stuff is DELICIOUS.

• Graduation Week: I was the student speaker at my college's scholarship brunch, and my momma threw me a bomb graduation luncheon. it was so great to spend the week with my near and dear.

• Guatemala: life changing. I know I fall in love with a lot of places, but I truly left part of my heart here.

• Tunisia: this whole trip was so so inspiring. I also made great friendships, and was convinced to at least think about joining the peace corps. still miss this place everyday.

• spent my last summer in chicago: so thankful for all the friendships I have made, and I look forward to seeing them evolve. 

• Started The Abraham Project: moved to north carolina in july, and began this crazy year. I had no idea what this year would become, but it's been beyond all my expectations so far.

I know the whole resolution thing is over done, but I do like the idea of a fresh new year with brand new goals. I also thought it would be interesting to look back and see what my goals were last year and if I held true to them...

goals for 2012:

1. Get my heart fixed. so far, it's looking like open-heart surgery so 2012 is gonna be a big year. but this also means I have an excuse to slow down/make friends with 80 yr old ladies in the cardiac dept/eat a bunch of ice cream (cause it's totally like getting your tonsils out right?!) -CHECK. I do have a heart defect but I avoided open-heart surgery because it's a smaller hole. winnnnnnning

2. Get Healthy. More running, more fresh/natural food, more remembering those vitamins everyday/run a 5K. -CHECK. I ran my first 5k this fall. vitamins have been taken, and clean eating is a work in progress

3. Have a fresh start! I want to graduate and go some place completely new where I know no one and just work and have a fabulous time.  -DOUBLE CHECK. pretty sure moving to winston and starting The Abraham Project fuifills this one.

4. Have long hair. so superficial, but I want it. no. shame. -CHECK.

5. No regrets. -CHECK. there's been moments of doubt, but never regret, and only moments never lingering.

and without further ado... 

Goals for 2013:

1. Apply to Grad School (Masters of Public Health) and Peace Corps.

2. Travel.

3. Work at maintaining meaningful friendships from a distance.

4. Clean eating.

5. Worry less.

love this. via pinterest